I am sure that all teenagers (and adults) have found themselves thinking something along the lines of “why not me?” Comparison is something that everyone experiences. People tend to use comparison as a way to self-evaluate, to see if we are good enough or on the right track. However, this innocent and natural habit can quickly become harmful to ourselves. So is this the reason why we feel behind or left out? And, if so, is there a way to stop?
Naturally, no one is the same. There may be a classmate who gets better grades, another classmate who does amazing at sports or someone who is effortlessly popular. These are all normal observations about people in our everyday surroundings, especially at school. In school we are surrounded by peers who are doing the same things as us, but at different levels. It is easily noticeable when someone is excelling or floundering. There is a point where this starts destroying our own self-image. Especially for a young mind who is just starting to figure out where to place themself in this world and haven’t developed a complete sense of identity yet. One moment you start admiring someone’s success, the other you are questioning your own.
For a lot of our classmates we have no idea what they do in their own time or what goes through their head. The friend who seems to have everything going well for them may be having their own struggles, you just happen not to know about, or maybe the person you’ve been comparing yourself to has been comparing themselves to you. We need to remember that what we see of most of our classmates is quite a small fraction of their lives.
Another factor that makes matters worse in this aspect is, of course, social media. Many high schoolers don’t use social media just for entertainment, but as a way to have a window to a friend’s life and for them to see ours. There we can see the highlights of their recent life, which is just what they want you to see. But no one will post about procrastinating on their work for hours or failing a test. A lot of stuff we see on social media can be fake as well and we usually can’t detect things like that.
Pressure and comparison doesn’t even need to be created by ourselves. Some students might experience it from family or school. Students often feel pressure to be prepared for the future, for example: university, jobs, moving out, etc. While I agree that it’s important to be prepared, being constantly reminded of that doesn’t always have a positive outcome on the mind.
A part of the issue is that many students visualize a certain path or timeline for their life that they need to follow in order to succeed. Usually something like getting good grades, going to a certain university, getting a job and so on. Your “path” in life may change, but that doesn’t mean falling behind, it just means that it is changing. The feeling of falling behind doesn’t start with being behind, but believing that there is a race between you and your peers to begin with. That way their achievements start feeling like your losses when, in reality, they don’t affect you at all.
Stopping comparing yourself to others isn’t easy as, sometimes, we aren’t even aware we are doing it. So, to start, instead of measuring yourself with others, measure yourself with yourself. Try recognizing your improvements. Maybe this can be by checking if you are studying more than you did last semester or anything where you can see if you are improving compared to before. This can be actually helpful rather than comparing yourself to others, which usually only affects your happiness.
Remember that it’s hard to tell how another person is feeling or thinking from our perspective. The only person who we actually know well enough to reflect on is ourselves. If you still feel curious about how another student is succeeding at something you could also ask them directly. Maybe you learn from them, which is better than assuming things about their life. Comparison and feeling behind is something I believe a lot of people struggle with. That reminds us that we all have our struggles and that’s okay.
